Toe Juice and a Fond Farewell to the Guinness Baby

I'm sitting at the table in my kitchen, watching my pasta cook and trying not to cry. Apparently, a watched pot never boils, but as the bubbles dance higher and higher to the lip of the pot, and eventually dribble down with a spitting shriek into the gas hob, I realise that proverbs are over-rated. I can't get off the chair to turn the gas down, so I watch my beloved penne go from al dente to pasta-puddle.

The reason I can't get out of the chair is because my legs have stopped working. They no longer do what ask them because I was mean to them earlier today. So now, I sit, morosely staring at my dinner spoiling. my stomach rumbling mercilessly.

I was back in Ireland last week, spending some time with the family and generally chilling out and at some point getting rejected AGAIN! Anyway, at some point in the week, we all went to the island where I half-grew-up and went swimming. In the Atlantic.

It was fucking freezing.

Because the water was essentially colder than the endothermic version of hell, we had to wear wetsuits. As I zipped mine up, I looked down and realised I looked like a lumpy pillowcase full of tits. Then when my wee bro, sis and I were swimming, I realised I was nowhere near as fit as I used to be. Seeing as the last time I did any exercise was in June 2009, I have come to terms with the fact that I'm now mostly made of molten cheese. So, in the vein of self-improvement, I went for a run this morning.




Here's the route I took...5 miles in total, including a workout at the Kilburn outdoor gym afterwards.

I. nearly. died.



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I returned to the house an hour later, lay on the floor, and tried desperately not to cry. The Guinness Baby is not long for this world, I tell thee.
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That seems quite positive right? Getting up at 5:45 to go for a run. Well it isn't, I came home from work and now find I can't use my legs. They've stopped working...

ALSO, my toes have become all blistery.

Now, if some of you might remember, I have a weird fascination with the 'Cysts and Pus' genre of youtube porn. I decided to film my own. My toes are really long (..ladies) and they're important, so when I went to pop the blisters I thought I'd add to the pantheon of Pus Porn. Yum yum.

Prob best look away if you're easily nauseated.







Now I'm lying in bed, in my jammies, trying not to sound like an old man when I move, dreading having to do my pervert shuffle tomorrow on the way to the Tube. Hopefully my legs will be gone when I wake up and I can get Spark to give me a piggy back...



My feet say goodnight!
x

Positivity!!

Okay, so I've made a few wee resolutions about this week

Basically, I've been looking over my posts from the past while and they've all been a bit...well, whiney. Whingeing and moaning is fun, but I've been rather self-indulgent with it, and should maybe man up a little and repress those little (and large) negative feelings down, only allowing them to re-emerge in later life as a massive stroke or a shooting spree with an automatic weapon.

So from now on, well, for this week anyway, I'm going to be known as Happy-go-fucking-lucky McPositive, my new name for the week starting Monday 9th of November. I'm going to make a physical effort to smile, to be happy and to make light of stressful situations.When something bad happens (like falling down an escalator and losing my wallet, or being mugged by a flock of pigeons or something) I'll laugh it off, it's all going to be a massively hilarious joke.


I'm also going to see if I can refrain from drinking and smoking for the week. I probably have had more than enough chemicals in my body for the last couple of months for my liver to have earned a week's respite. If I manage to get a job and actually seem to have kept it by Friday, then I'll reward myself with a pint, but not before that.

I've been watching The Thick of It quite a lot recently, and have to admit that I massively admire Malcolm Tucker; the absolutely apoplectic Scottish 'Enforcer to the PM' who goes around telling the entire political world what a cunt they are. Other than being a huge fan of Peter Capaldi thanks to the amazing 'Local Hero', I think that he's one of the greatest comic creations in the last decade, and defintely Armando Iannucci's greatest since Alan Partridge. I'm going to be like him for the week; infallible, but slightly less crazy-angry.


So, to begin the week, I've got a really random quote from a conversation I had earlier today. I was chatting to a friend (with whom I had gotten apocalyptically drunk with on Hallowe'en) who had laughed at my 'Waterloo Fail' story and invited me to a party. She had mentions it before and this was my response:

"What, the farmyard theatre with the he-she stripper and the dwarf pole dancer who spits piss at people?"

So yeah, I didn't go, but that sentence reminds me that life is bizarre and potentially amazing, even if it's just to sit back and wonder who wants to have dwarf-piss spat at them.

Maybe the week will answer the question...who knows?

Have a good 'un :)

ps - Actually I do know, at no point this week will I have any interaction with dwarf piss. If my internet arrives, as it should do on the 12th, I will celebrate by watching a dwarf-piss porn vid, or maybe by just pretending to watch it while closing my eyes tightly and trying to remember the contents of section 2 of the Irish Non-Fatal Offences Against the Person Act.

Obscure Porn #2 - Bacne Porn and Exploding Sebaceous Cysts

If you thought gun porn was a bit odd, this will maybe freak you out a little bit. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you BACNE PORN.

People love squeezing stuff out of themselves, it's like a basic instinct. Even I, who can't watch those awful 'swan'-like makeover shows (which I'll go into later - basically the idea of voluntary self-mutilation freaks the fucking shit outta me) love to squeeze the shit out of all those little black heads and spots that I get. It's unbelievably satisfying.

This is a slight step above that...





Am I the only one finds this oddly compelling?


This one, however, is slightly nauseating. My mother loves this sort of stuff, but THIS one brgins about a physical reaction in me, when I watch it it makes me taste blood.





So, I'm pretty sure that this is an illness of some sort, the obsession that some people have with watching cysts, spots and boils explode. If you follow the links, however, you'll see that there are thousands upon thousands of these small videos to be found.

There is, like most genres of entertainment, a subgenre of 'insect bite pus' porn. Here's a prime example




Fucking awful!


I WOULD open a box of kleenex, but maybe only to dab away the blood in my mouth. Sometimes I just don't get it.


Disgusting times.

Obscure Porn #1 - Gun Porn

Over the past few years I've stumbled across some of the weird and vaguely hilarious shit that people secretly fetishise. It's remarkable but true that whatever you can think off, people will find a way to sexy up.

So here's one that has entertained me for ages. Gun porn.


Now, we've all seen the Jackie Brown scene that tells us what you do when you absolutely, positively have to kill every muthafucker in the goddamn room. The AK47 is seen let rip by a gaggle of bikini-clad tna models.

That's not gun porn. That's essentially tit models with guns.


THIS...is gun porn



That's right! Gun Porn



It's remarkable, but also unsurprising. Guns are, I admit, fascinating. I've always been interested in military history and I'm genuinely interested in guns and their historical progression...but this is fucking bonkers.


There are several reasons why this is mental. Firstly, it's clearly an ad for guns, which is odd. Secondly, it has a vaguely new age 'whale song'-ish type of soundtrack. Thirdly, there is a very unsubtle collection of shots of the phallus-shaped muzzle spewing smoke and bullets. Like a multi-orgasm money shot.





Anyway, I'll leave you to enjoy the gun porn and I'll go pour myself a glass of wine and open a box of Kleenex.


Dirty times.