Sunday, January 3, 2010

How to designate a Decade.

First of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!

As I've already said, 2009 was a horrible (almost) completely awful year, and I'm rather glad to see the end of it. To you all, I open my arms in beatific serenity and embrace you with an ocean of love as we leave the Noughties and enter....

Wait a minute, what are we gonna call the next Decade?

Some people have come up with suggestions

-the 'Tenties'
-the 'Juvies' (apparently you go to Juvie after you're 'noughtie')
-the Pubies/Zitties (stupid fuckers came up with this)
-the 'Teens'

Now, the 'Teens' is probably the best bet for what we'll call it, but where does that leave 2010-12? We can't call those years the 'Preteens' or the 'Mileys Cyruses' can we? That would be a bit odd.

I believe that I may have found a solution.

Right, so hopefully most of you will agree with me that the Noughties was a pile of shite. I mean:
-All the crazy (some of them illegal *cough*Iraq*cough*) wars that followed and are still fucking the world royally up,
-The climate of fear (Thanks, Fox News, you fucking bits of dead skin)
-The dotcom busts,
-Tony Blair/George W. Bush (or Georny Blairsh)
-Windows Vista,
-US comedies (for the most part, they're awful)
-British reality TV and Film (for the most part, they're fucking awful: the Brits should stick to comedy and the Yanks to film...simple)
-Simon Cowell and his evil empire of no-talent mediocrity.
-The Recession (FTR - another ConnyBoy invention)

etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc ad nauseum

To call the next 10 years 'the Teens' would undermine the awful shittiness of the last 10. A teenager is a miserable, awkward mess, just like 2000-2009. The next 10 years is the chance we have to mature a bit, right?

So, we're in a period of transition. Let's take a leaf out of the book of J.R.R Tolkien.

When Tolkien came up with the Hobbit for his children, he envisaged his hairy-footed little fellas as having a life-span as longer than us humans. The time that a Hobbit matures and comes into his own is called his Tweens. The Tweens were a time when the Hobbits could fuck about and slowly come to maturity, the time in between childhood and adulthood (see what he did there?)

Now, I know that a 'tweener' is synonymous with a preteen in the US, but we should take the word back!

So,, we've had the crazy immaturity of the Noughties, and now, as we're getting all redemptive and shit, I think we should call the next ten years...



What do y'all reckon?

ps - a wee update on what I'm up to. I'm in my Granny's house in Chatham (in Kent) eating. She's a feeder. We're watching the first night of Celebrity Big Brother, it's going to be fucking awful. There's stupid, jesus-freak Stephen Baldwin, there's some vacuous slutty nonentity, Jordan's current piece-of-shit boyfriend, Stephanie Beachem, Lady Sovereign and thong-obsessed talent-vaccuum Sisqo. More top-notch celebs to come then o_O

My granny just said 'That Stephen Bolton's a bit of a odd'un'. Classic.

Happy New Years everyone.


  1. So the Tweens only last three years, then? In 2013, we start calling them the Teens? Hmm... I can dig it.

  2. They've been playing the Lord of the Rings movies in the U.S. all weekend so I'm soo laughing. hehe. I like the Tweens. I already accidentally called this year, "0-10." That makes no sense. So it needs a name. Tweens will do nicely. =)

  3. Excellent suggestion, I'll accept it. Besides this saves me from even having to think about it.

  4. SS - I propose tweens for the whole decade, but obvi my powers to enforce this are rather limited.

    melanie - i just downloaded the Complete Unabridged LOTR audiobooks. We now have another level of commonality xx

    Patti - many thanks m'dear :)

  5. Conor, I don't think I've read anyone to talk about naming a decade. I don't think tweens sounds go.. immature and such ages where those tweens are really getting a good grasp of the world. But I must say I enjoyed this post.

  6. Tweens -- I like it, rather than as you saying using teens for the miserable and awkward connotations, Tweens makes me smile, if only for the associations. You're an inspiration! And speaking of inspiration, you should collect and share your Gran's nuggets of wisdom.

    Happy New Year!

  7. Haha, you are one funny guy. I always have a good time when I come here & read your witty & amusing banter. "The Brits should stick to comedy and the Yanks to film" Yes I do concur. What suggestion do you have for us Canadian folk?

    The Tweens works for me! :)

  8. Kelvin - thanks for stopping by!

    Jay - mate, we need to organise a time to go for a drink at some time soon. I'm technically off booze for a while, but I can make an exception for two hours :)

    Trouble - thanks a million! you canadians should also stick to your comedy. oh, and maybe branch into the cuisine front :)

  9. Haha, a question I wrestled with myself, but will probably end up using the boring "Twenty-tens" or the frankly shit "Tensies". Which sounds like a gluttonous version of elevenses or one of those stupid one-piece outfits you put on babies.

    And hey, let's try to be a little more glass-half-full, eh? The Noughties (god I hated that name) had the Lord of the Rings films, Obama (I still reckon he'll be good), the rise of Apple and Muse. End of.